News from the Room
Managing Grief Triggers During Anniversaries and Holidays
Grief doesn’t keep a calendar, but for those of us who’ve experienced loss, certain dates stand out. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays bring a unique mix of thoughts and emotions of love, nostalgia, and heartbreak.
For me, as a parent who has felt the loss of a child, the lead-up to our daughter Billie’s birthday is always the hardest. It’s like this building tension, a storm on the horizon. And while the day itself has become a ritual of honouring her, it doesn’t make the weeks leading up to it any easier.
Why Anniversaries and Holidays Are So Challenging
First, let’s understand why these days can be so overwhelming.
Grief isn’t linear, it ebbs and flows like the waves on an ocean. But anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays act like emotional amplifiers, focusing all of that grief into a single point. They’re reminders of what we’ve lost and what we’ll never get to experience.
Take birthdays, for example. For Billie’s birthday, my wife and I are reminded of the milestones we’ll never celebrate. And then there’s Christmas, a time of joy that now carries a layer of sorrow.
It’s not just the days itself; it’s the weeks leading up to it. The anticipation can create anxiety, tension, and emotional exhaustion. Knowing why these days are hard helps us approach them with more intention and care.
Preparing for Significant Dates
The first step is preparation. The waves of grief don’t wait for the day to show up, they often start to ripple in the weeks prior. Until those ripples grow to become a tsunami of emotions. Here’s how I prepare for days like Billie’s birthday.
Clear my Schedule
I always take leave from work for Billie’s birthday, giving my wife and me the space to process the day without the pressure of other commitments.
If possible, I try and lighten my work load in the weeks leading up to these dates to conserve emotional energy.
Routines a plenty
Routines ground me during the buildup to significant dates. Like Billie’s birthday, like Christmas. Keeping my days predictable, helps me stay steady in the face of emotional waves.
Acknowledge that the Build-Up is coming
I Don’t try to ignore the fact that a hard day is coming, thus increasing my anxiety to it. I acknowledge that its on its way. Because based on my own personal experience, the more you try and ignore it, the faster and harder the waves will arrive.
Acknowledging it could simply be Journaling the thoughts down on to the page or talking to someone you trust, this more often than not, can help diffuse the tension.
Creating Rituals to Honour Your Loved One
Rituals transform grief into something meaningful. So for Billie’s birthday, my family and I make a chocolate ripple cake every year. We light candles, sing ‘Happy Birthday,’ and take a moment to honour her.
Now that we have two more children, this ritual has become even more important. As it’s a way for them to know their sister and for us to keep her memory alive as a family.
Your ritual doesn’t have to be elaborate. It could be lighting a candle, visiting a favourite place, or writing a letter. The point is to create an intentional moment of connection that allows you to honour your loved one.
Practical Tips for Managing Triggers
Let’s talk about practical steps to help manage grief triggers during these emotional times. These are things you can integrate into your day-to-day to help feel more grounded.
Create an Emotional Toolkit
Identify what helps you when you’re overwhelmed. This could include breathing exercises, a calming playlist, or a comforting activity like a puzzle, painting, or my personal favourite rewatching the extended editions of the Lord of the rings. Keep these tools handy!
Limit Overwhelm
Around significant dates, reduce sensory or emotional overload. That might mean saying no to social events or spending less time on social media. Protect your emotional bandwidth.
Have a Support Plan
Let trusted people know when these dates are coming. Whether it’s a friend, partner, or therapist, having someone who understands your needs can make all the difference.
Practice Self-Compassion
It’s okay to have a hard day. Remind yourself that grief isn’t a sign of weakness it’s a reflection of the love you have for the ones no longer here.
Set Boundaries
If you feel pressure to participate in holiday gatherings or other traditions, remember it’s okay to set boundaries. You can say no, leave early, or create your own way of marking the day.
Use Movement to Ground Yourself
Physical activity can help release built-up tension. A walk, a stretch, or even deep breathing exercises can calm the nervous system.
Focus on Small Wins
On particularly tough days, celebrate the small wins, getting out of bed, making breakfast, or even just taking a shower. Every step matters.
Taking Care of Yourself on the Day
On the day itself, let your emotions guide you. Some years, you might want to be surrounded by loved ones; other years, you might need solitude. Trust what feels right for you.
If you’re overwhelmed, try anchoring yourself in the moment. Breathe deeply, notice your surroundings, or focus on a comforting sensory experience, like the smell of coffee or the feel of a warm blanket.
I find that just naming random objects out loud or in my head can help greatly when trying to cope with a particularly overstimulating or stressful experience or emotion.
Conclusion
Anniversaries and holidays will never stop being hard. But they can also become days of meaning and connection, moments to honour the love that still tethers you to that person you care about.
For me, these days are about remembering Billie, celebrating her, and allowing myself to feel whatever comes up.
If you’re navigating your own grief, I hope this has given you some tools to approach these significant dates with intention. And if you’re supporting someone through grief, thank you for showing up, that means more than you know.
If you found this helpful, I’d love for you to share this newsletter to reach and help more people who could find it useful.
The 411
This Week at Room Eleven
Edits, Edits, Edits!
This week, I’ve been diving into final edits on the eBook, aiming to make it as concise and impactful as possible. Every tweak feels like a step closer to delivering something truly helpful and informative.
The video series has also been continuing. I had hoped to release the latest video for early access for you guys mid-week, but life had other plans. With editing time limited to after the kids go to bed, progress was slower than expected, but it's coming together, and I’m excited to share it soon.
On top of that, I’ve been scripting and filming new content. The beauty of these scripts is that they’ll eventually find their way into the Grief, Growth & Resilience book. It’s rewarding to see these pieces connect and evolve across different projects.
Weekly Musings
What I’m Listening to: The Two Towers (Audiobook)
After finishing The Fellowship of the Ring not long ago, diving into The Two Towers was inevitable. Interestingly, I’ve read this one less than The Fellowship, and my memory of it often blends the book’s presentation with how it was visualised in the films.
Take Helm’s Deep, for instance. In my opinion, the movie’s portrayal of the battle, with its depth, length, and perfectly structured beginning, middle, and end—feels like a movie within a movie. It’s easily one of the best battle sequences ever put to screen.
Chances are, my next week what I’m watching will be The Two Towers. And as for the audiobook, Andy Serkis as the narrator? Absolute perfection
What I’m Watching: The Dumpster Fire
This week, what I’m watching isn’t a TV show or movie, but it’s just as gripping. With Donald Trump’s inauguration dominating headlines, I’ve been engrossed in news coverage and social media footage documenting the events and rhetoric surrounding the week.
As someone who has been interested in war history, rooted in the fact that both my grandparents served Australia during WWII, I can’t help but see disturbing parallels between the early strategies of the Trump administration and the tactics employed in 1930s Germany.
But this isn’t just a distant academic or historical concern for me; it hits closer to home for me. My sister and her wife live and work in New York, and the administration’s plan to recognise only “traditional marriages” raises serious questions about their future rights and safety. Will their marriage continue to be recognised? Will their civil rights be undermined?
What makes this even more alarming is the planned expansion of private detention centres across the country. It leads to chilling questions about what they could be used for in the future. It’s not an abstract concern anymore; it’s real, and it’s happening right now.
Watching all of this unfold feels like watching history repeat itself in slow motion.
What I'm Reading: Oh, The Places You’ll Go
Dr. Seuss wasn’t a big part of my childhood, but my son absolutely loves his books at bedtime. From The Cat in the Hat to One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, we’ve worked our way through quite a few of them.
The standout for me, though, has to be “Oh, The Places You’ll Go.” It’s such a beautifully simple yet profound take on the highs and lows of life’s journey. It’s a reminder to keep going, even when things get tough, a message that resonates with me as much as it inspires my son.
Reading stories together has been a highlight of our bedtime routine.
Quote I'm Pondering: "If you're 80% ready, start."
This mindset has stuck with me since I first heard it during a mentorship program. The director of the company explained it during a Q&A, emphasizing how critical it is to avoid getting stuck in the pursuit of perfection. If you wait to complete the last 20%, you might never start at all.
Like charging a battery, the first 80% charges quickly, but the final 20% takes almost as long, if not longer to get to 100%
The idea is simple: at 80%, you have the vision, plan, and foundation in place to execute. The remaining 20% is for refinement and doesn’t need to delay launching a project.
I’ve leaned on this strategy for nearly every project I’ve worked on. Without it, this newsletter, my videos, and even the Still Billie box might still be stuck in the planning phase. It's a reminder that progress often beats perfection, and that sometimes, the best way to finish something is to just begin.
This week’s musings reflect on finding growth and meaning even in life’s messiest moments. The idea of launching at 80% readiness resonates deeply, it’s how Room Eleven came to life, how the Still Billie box became reality, and how I approach sharing my story of grief and resilience.
Life doesn’t wait for perfection, and neither should we. Even when things feel like a dumpster fire, those imperfect, sometimes scary moments can make us stronger and more resilient.
They remind us that growth often comes through embracing the chaos, pushing forward, and finding ways to help others along the way.
Take care, and I’ll see you next week.
Rob
Giving Back
Donate a Still Billie Box
Our care packages for families who’ve lost their baby, named after our baby daughter Billie. Offering comfort during what should be a joyful season. Your donation can make a real difference in allowing us to provide free Still Billie Boxes to hospitals across Australia.
Room Eleven is a social enterprise business and does not qualify for DGR status.