News from the Room
The Stages of Grief Are an Illusion
Reframing Loss as a Lifelong Journey
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, yet it’s also one of the most misunderstood. When we think of grief, many of us envision the Kübler-Ross stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, laid out like levels in a video game. The idea that you can 'complete' these stages and 'move on' has become deeply ingrained in our culture.
But here’s the hard truth: grief doesn’t work like that. It’s not a linear journey; it’s a tangled, messy web, constantly shifting and evolving. And once we understand that grief is forever, we can start learning how to manage it in healthy, meaningful ways.
Lesson 1: Grief Is Forever
I once believed grief had an endpoint, that one day the sadness would lift after completing the stages, and I’d feel normal again. But I learned that grief doesn’t end, it simply changes. The sharp edges soften, the waves become less overwhelming, but grief remains, ebbing and flowing as a reflection of love.
Lesson 2: Adjusting Your Sails
Grief is like a storm at sea, unpredictable, relentless, and completely out of your control. When Billie died, I fought against it, but the harder I resisted, the more I sank. Eventually, I realised that the storm wasn’t something I could fight. The key isn’t to fight against the storm but to learn how to move forward within it.
Lesson 3: Suffering for Growth
When I talk about suffering for growth, I mean self-imposed suffering. After experiencing deep pain or trauma, it's natural to avoid anything that might bring that feeling back. But the hard truth is that suffering is inevitable. By intentionally doing something difficult every day, especially something we don’t want to do, we build resilience and develop a deep belief that if we face hardship again, we’ll be better equipped to manage ourselves and support others.
Lesson 4: Create Purpose
"Becoming purposeful" after loss isn’t about waiting for purpose to reveal itself, it’s something you must actively create. Purpose comes from transforming pain into meaningful action, whether through raising awareness, supporting others or just choosing your path in a more meaningful and purposeful manner. In this way, purpose becomes both a path to healing and a way to make something meaningful from even the hardest experiences.
Lesson 5: Resilience Through Resistance
While suffering for growth is about self-imposed hardship, resistance comes from the unavoidable daily struggles after profound loss, sometimes as simple as finding the strength to get out of bed or choosing to avoid situations that feel too painful. I’ve been there. But the goal is to take the lessons from self-imposed suffering and build the belief that resistance doesn’t have to control your decisions. Over time, resilience grows to a point where no amount of resistance can hold you back from living the life you want and need to live.
Lesson 6: Gratitude and Vulnerability
Once you're ready to reflect on your trauma, seek gratitude in the darkest moments. Finding even small things to be thankful for. I for one found gratitude in the kindness of our midwives, the gift of time with your baby from the Cuddle Cot, or the support of a healthcare system, can bring light to an otherwise unbearable experience.
Vulnerability, though one of the hardest challenges, is crucial for healing. It requires risk, being honest with ourselves about our past and openly sharing with others. But in doing so, we build deeper connections, stronger emotions, and a clearer path forward. The more we embrace these conversations, the easier it becomes to carry the memory of our loved ones without letting grief consume our daily lives.
Lesson 7: The Power of Sharing
Sharing our experiences of loss and speaking about our loss creates a path for others grieving to feel comfortable sharing their own stories. The more people who open up, the easier these conversations become, leading to greater public awareness, increased research funding, and stronger support networks for those in need.
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At Room Eleven, we are committed to expanding these conversations through talks, workshops, and initiatives that openly discuss grief and loss. By helping others, we move beyond awareness and into action, ensuring that no family feels alone in their grief.
The 411
This Week at Room Eleven
This past week has been a whirlwind as I made the decision to resign from my full-time job. It wasn’t a scenario I had on my bingo card at the start of the week. But discoveries came to light regarding how the company is being operated that do not align with my values and so I could no longer in good conscience continue being involved with the organisation.
It’s been a time-consuming process, and I still need to finish out my notice period but I’m looking forward to refocusing more on Room Eleven and getting back to the work that truly matters. Thanks for your patience and support. Big things ahead!
Weekly Musings
What I’m Watching: The Bank of Dave
The Bank of Dave is a “true-ish” story inspired by real-life businessman and community leader Dave Fishwick. A self-made millionaire from a working-class background, Fishwick sets out to open a community bank in Burnley, despite no new bank being approved in England for 150 years. Against the odds, his mission is clear: to support local people and help his town thrive.
My takeaway? If you truly believe in something, especially if it benefits your community, you have to go for it, no matter how impossible it seems. It’s a reminder that with the right mission and determination, change is possible. Hopefully, one day, I can build Room Eleven into something just as impactful.
Quote I’m Pondering: “It’s better to be the one hurting instead of the one hurting.”
The meaning of this simple quote shifts depending on perspective. It can suggest that it’s better to endure pain than to be the cause of someone else’s suffering. No decent person wants to be the reason another is hurting, and if given the choice, most would rather carry the weight of suffering than live with the guilt of inflicting it. Pain is unavoidable, but choosing to bear it instead of passing it on feels like the more honorable path.
But flip it, and it takes on a darker meaning, it could also mean that in a world where pain is inevitable, it’s better to be the one dishing it out than the one taking the blows. Some might see this as survival, a way of protecting themselves from being hurt first.
Whether it’s emotional, physical, or psychological, there’s a brutal logic to the idea that if someone has to suffer, it’s better to be the one in control. This quote forces us to confront the power dynamics we experience every day, both the ones imposed on us and the ones we impose on others.
It reflects the journey of life itself, where we constantly navigate the balance between being vulnerable and being in control, between suffering and survival.
Grief is a lifelong journey, not a problem to be solved. It changes, evolves, and intertwines with love, shaping who we are in its wake. Through these lessons, we learn that grief isn't something to "move on" from but something to carry with us, softened by time, strengthened by purpose, and made lighter through connection. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we create space for healing, not just for ourselves but for the countless others walking a similar path.
As I step into this next chapter, zeroing in more on Room Eleven, I’m reminded of why this work matters. Conversations about grief, loss, and resilience need to be louder, more open, and more actionable. Thank you for being part of this journey, your support fuels everything we’re building.
Big things are ahead, and I can’t wait to share them with you.
Take care, and I’ll see you next week.
Rob
Giving Back
Donate a Still Billie Box
Our care packages for families who’ve lost their baby, named after our baby daughter Billie. Offering comfort during what should be a joyful season. Your donation can make a real difference in allowing us to provide free Still Billie Boxes to hospitals across Australia.
Room Eleven is a social enterprise business and does not qualify for DGR status.